I was playing with my dinner on the plate, listening to the
ominous whispers of my relatives. I was sitting on her cherished dining table
which she fondly bought from New Delhi, watching my aunt (punam masi)
struggling to tell me truth & let me face the harsh reality or to not tell
me, & protect me from the impending doom.
Finally after a long internal debate she blurted out “you should start
shouldering responsibilities before it’s too late”, startling me, as I was
again lost in my fantasy world trying to run away from the truth. I irately
asked what she meant by that statement. She replied, letting the emotions win
over her calm façade, her eyes glassy with unshed tears and her voice cracking
slightly “it’s only a matter of time before she leaves…”
Today, I see what she was trying to tell me, she was trying
to tell me to let her go, say my goodbyes to her & talk to her one last
time before she goes to some unknown land.
But I was fed up with
the gloomy atmosphere in the house & I wanted my old normal life back, so I
sneered at her “its people like you who have a pessimistic approach &
that’s why she is lying there, barely alive.” And then after thinking something
she let her mask up again and quieted down.
We were in the car, me, my aunt (anju masi) and my fufaji,
on our way to chemist’s shop to buy drugs for her. Suddenly, my subconscious
overwhelmed me and I asked the dreaded question “She’s at what stage?” My aunt
replied quietly “Last”, so quietly that I barely heard her, but that
realization hit me like a truck. All my thoughts centered to only 1 question
“what will my life look like without her?” Several scenes played in my mind,
all my life of 15 years with her flashed in my eyes, all the happy, cherished,
sad, angry, loving memories I had with her. & then my instinct to protect
myself fought back and I tried to squish the thoughts of her death, but this
time it wasn't so strong, my irrational side wanted to shut this drama out
again and distance myself from it, from her; but my rational side wanted to
face it, wanted to talk to her, wanted to see her, to feel her, to treasure
the pleasure of having a loving mother. The rest of the ride was so thick with
the air of stress that I could have cut it through with a knife. When we
reached home, I wanted to rush into her room but somehow I couldn't bring my
legs to move fast, the urge to see her was battling with my fears, the fears of
what I was about to face.
Gathering my courage, I went into her room & as soon as
I stepped in there, I was enveloped with her natural motherly fragrance. When I
was 4, I used to hug her while I slept, nuzzling my face in the crook of her
neck and I always commented how wonderful she smelled, how she only had that
peculiar yet familiar aroma on her & that day, the very same aroma hit me
but it was tainted with the smell of medicines. The room of my parents was filled
with a different smell which was usually found in hospitals & then suddenly
I realized with a shock, that it had been a long time since I went to her room
because I was scared that I’ll see her, see her losing the light in her eyes. I
saw my parent’s bed, & above that I saw a beautiful photograph of a couple
I was no longer familiar with, my dad looking young in his late thirties and my
mum looking stunning as usual in her red saree in her mid thirties, but most
importantly, both of them were smiling with joy, cherishing their love that had
only grown with each passing day; unaware of the impending doom.
Then, I saw her. Her haggard yet beautiful face, black bags
under her eyes, cheek bones so prominent, her thin pale skin stretching over her
face covering the delicate bone structure, her lips chapped and lastly her eyes
that used to be so full of life, were then, dead, lifeless with no light. I
slowly pushed myself towards her and sat beside her taking her in through my
eyes. She looked so weak, so thin, so not looking like the beautiful women who
always ran this house; the women who made this house a home. & yet she
looked so beautiful, the same loving, caring, kind hearted women who daily picked
me up from my school, no matter what condition she was in.
Snapping back to present, I saw that she had closed her
eyes, & I couldn’t hold myself any longer, seeing her so helpless, so not like
her old energetic self. My eyes started welling up with long held tears &
soon the dam burst & my waterworks started. Unexpectedly, she opened her
eyes & looked at me with such piercing gaze that I was sure she saw through
my soul. Then she started to say something but I couldn't make out because she
was slurring due to the medicines she had taken. But I got afraid that she saw
me crying, crying for her, crying for her death, crying for a life without her,
I got afraid because she saw me at my weakest point. I have cried in front of
her many times but It was mostly out selfish motives but that day I cried for
my family, for her unfinished dreams and lastly, for a loving mother daughter
relationship that I was about to lose.
Then I ran, ran away from her, not wanting her to see me
losing hope, not wanting her to feel bad because she knew that I know now. I
cried and cried & kept looking at the dark sky illuminated with only a few
stars, hoping that heavens will open and I will find my answers. But nothing
happened. Like always.
I slept barely that night, all rational & irrational
thoughts running through my mind, mile a minute.
But only one prominent thought kept evading my mind – What
now?
Only after what felt like a minute, I saw the dawn breaking.
I hurriedly took a bath, all the while thinking “Is this
actually happening to me?”
Sometimes, it’s surprising actually what trivial thoughts
come to your mind at such crucial stages & with how much precise clarity
you remember those insignificant thoughts. I remember having one too; I
wondered if she’ll be able to complete her page in my slam book. It was one of
those moments when you even remember each minute sensory detail of the time.
I had my coaching classes so before leaving for that, I came into her
room and saw her trying to sit up with the help of her sisters and my bua, after
coming closer I saw that she was trying to have a sip of water, I waited aside,
trying to keep myself together for a few more minutes in front of her. When she
was finished, I stepped forward, she saw me with hooded eyes, half unconscious but
trying to fight the drowsiness, & then I did the most stupidest thing, I
said “get well soon, because when I come from the tuition, I will need your
help to solve my maths problems” & her eyes welled up with tears upon hearing this. But by seeing this strong woman like this, I knew I was about to
lose myself, so I quickly said goodbye to her and let my mask slip up for a few
minutes. I soon found myself in the class, I barely remember my teacher asking
me how I was or do I need to go but time apart from her now, was passing at an
excruciating slow pace, each second bringing me the foreboding thoughts of
“what ifs”.
I don’t remember when
the class got over or how I reached to the car, but I remember sitting on the back-seat of the car & crying hysterically. Then a song came up and I
realized somewhere in the back of my mind that it suits our situation perfectly
and I smiled wryly and started mouthing the lyrics all the while tears streamed
down my face -
“Give me some sunshine,
Give me some rain,
Give me another chance,
I wanna grow up once again…”
I found myself standing on her room’s threshold debating
whether to go in or not, finally gathering up myself, I entered her room & then
realized all my relatives from my father’s as well as from my mother’s side
were there in that room and had already said their goodbyes. I was consumed by
an irrational jealousy that everyone got their closure but I, a fool, hadn't and probably won’t because she was halfway there already.
I was just sitting there, counting her each laboured breath,
memorizing her face, going over her body again and again thinking it will help
me remember her longer. I then looked at her legs and there was a scaring
bluish colour on her feet, & as I touched them, I realized with horror that
they had gotten cold & lifeless. I started rubbing her feet furiously, but
then my aunt ( punam masi ) said something which still haunts me like a
nightmare “it’s time, I doubt she will make it till tomorrow, no, not even
tonight” and with that my world collapsed in front of my very own eyes, every
little thought I had , every little hope of a future together was mercilessly
squished. My father tried to push me to get out of the room but I couldn't. I didn't understand his logic behind that then, but today, I see that he was just
trying to protect his daughter from the anguish of heartbreak. I know now, that
he was scared as it was the first death that had ever taken place in front of
my eyes, that too, my mother’s. In another blink of my eye, I saw everything
shift dramatically, I saw my aunt reading some book that was supposed to be
sacred, someone shouting for “gangajal”, some wailing & sobbing. And lastly
her, taking each breath at an achingly slow pace, & with each breath she
took, I thanked whomever was giving her the strength and prayed that she will take
JUST ONE MORE BREATH. But within a few minutes she was silent. Still. Lifeless.
Dead.
On 16th June 2010, precisely a week after my
birthday, precisely six months before her birthday, at 4.45pm she left us. She left
us to fight our own battles, to live a life without Arun Nehra. Today after
almost 2 years, I look upon that day, but today I see it in a different light.
Today I have let her go, set her free. Today I want to move forward, look at my
past with her and see that human life is transient. Yes, I do, I do cry, I miss
her but I want to live, I don’t want to mourn her loss any-more.
P.S _ then again, easier said than done.
