Happiness – a mirage ?

Music was blaring loudly in my ears, I was pushing my legs to run even faster, I was feeling a burn inside me, but that burn had nothing to do with the fire inside my head. Earlier that evening, feelings of anger, sadness & resentment, all of them washed over me at once making me depressed & frustrated. I won’t go into the reasons of that but I just stopped sprinting at that moment & tried to take a hold on the storm of emotions which was wrecking my insides. I was breathing roughly, my face was red with exertion & I’m pretty sure I had a monstrous expression on my face due to my inner conflict. I looked around & composed myself a bit. I walked over to a nearby bench & turned off the electro music & sat down.

For a moment, I just sat there in a trance & thought …. WHAT IS HAPPINESS? Is it even real? Or is it just a figment of our imagination? I kept pondering on it until my unripened mind came to the conclusion that happiness is just a notion, varying with each mindset. For some, happiness may come in the form of shopping, it may come in the form of riding an expensive vehicle, for foodies, it may come in delicious dishes, for couch potatoes, it may come in the form of watching television, for alcoholics it may come in the form of booze. You see, everyone has their own definition of happiness. But all of this is just a temporary happiness. A momentary contentment. Not the real deal.

Then I looked it up & according to Merriam Webster, it is – a state of being happy - feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

Obviously this wasn’t the answer I was searching for, so, I kept on contemplating.

 It was getting dark & then I got up to make a move towards my home. On my way back, I saw two little boys playing with a ball. But what struck me the most was that, they were wearing tattered clothes, bare feet & the ball was also not in a good condition, YET they had joyous expressions on their faces. After seeing that, I mused “was that the actual happiness?”

And then the bulb over my head lit up!!

 “I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.”

 Things like desires, lusts, wants, expectations, greed and comparisons are the weeds checking the growth of happiness into the garden of our life. We should try to eliminate these things out of our lives but, then again, I’m also aware of the human nature of never being satisfied. Throughout our lives, we keep on chasing the intangible figment of happiness. We keep looking for it in transient things without realizing that big things like happiness cannot be fitted into the boxes of materialism.  The real happiness lies within you. When you have made peace with what you have, with your surroundings, with your life, most importantly, with YOURSELF, happiness will make itself known right then. People spend their entire lives searching for “that” contentment, we keep on looking for happiness outside whereas it is right here with us, all we need to do is open our eyes & take a look inside.

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

- NATAHNIEL HAWTHORNE

EPIPHANIES IN TRIFLES

I was doing my annual closet clean-up & it was like I had opened my own Pandora’s Box. So many things, that, I did not even know I had, came out of their hide. And a typical “girl-y” girl that I was, I had plethora of knick-knacks from my toddler years till date; hair-clips, brooches, hearts, butterflies… you name it & I had it. But with each pretty trinket, I had an equally pretty memory attached & I don’t even think that I need to mention what kind of memories I'm talking about.
For example, my first pink flowery wrist-watch, my first bottle of perfume, which by the way, was also pink with a Barbie tag on its neck, my first vanity box, my first clutch… the list is endless. {P.s – I'm sure all the ladies will be able to relate, sorry boys!}

Looking at my cherished collection of childhood made me nostalgic & transported me to my former years. For a moment, I just sat there, surrounded by my “girl-y stuff”, lost in the memory lane of innocence… and then, when I snapped out of my haze of memories, I started pondering whether to keep all those remnants of a young naïve Pratibha or to simply throw them away. I was in a dilemma & couldn't decide. On one hand, they were only lifeless, useless things occupying space & catching dust in my closet, while, on the other hand, they were the most precious jewels, the collection of my lifetime & I didn't want to part with them as I felt that they were a part of me, what I've become today. All in all, they were priceless in both ways.

But then, I had an epiphany. In that very trivial experience, I learnt one of the most fundamental lessons of life: Happiness in life can be achieved only if we maintain a balance on the fine line of “letting go” & “holding on”. But then again, it’s easier said than done. & I’ll be completely honest with you guys, I still didn't part with all of them, though, I did muster up some courage to set aside many of them but I still kept some of them with me.
So even in life, we should remember to hold onto the good things. But then, it is also necessary to let go because sometimes, the destiny might have better plans in store for you. Be optimistic. Believe in your fate. Maybe the destiny has planned better trinkets for you, maybe it has planned better memories for you to make & maybe the destiny has planned a better future for you. Who knows?

So, before you make your final decision, ask yourself, “Is it worth your time? Worth your energy? Worth holding on to?” & if still you can’t make up your mind, then, simply toss a coin; it works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment, when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for & you shall have your answer.
So, be it a person or a memory or anything else that is significant, we SHOULD maintain a balance between everything in our life. And this perhaps, is the most significant stepping stone to a happy & peaceful life.

& as Henry Ellis said –

   “ALL THE ART OF LIVING LIES IN A FINE MINGLING OF LETTING GO & HOLDING ON.”

                         AN EXCERPT


" For it was not into my ear you whispered,
but into my heart...
It was not my lips you kissed,
but my soul..."



He surveyed her, touched her pulse & felt the pull of her presence weakening. Her thread, as she called it. She was leaving soon, he could feel it.
The air swirled around them, and as a doctor, he wanted to close the window but as a husband, he wanted to be that breeze, to be in those last precious lungfuls. She didn't feel overly cold as he touched her cheek, but regardless, he bowed over her, sheltering her from the chill.

He picked up her hand & held the ring he had slid onto her finger so many years ago. He softly twisted the ring, an old habit & felt her tremor under her skin. Feeling suddenly like his helpless, young naive self, terror gripped him. The life alone, before her, had prepared him for her. But nothing had prepared him for the life after her.

She had systematically stripped him off of his cardboard cut-out beliefs & had replaced them with something stronger, something bigger. He had learned more in those walks than he had in his entire education, his long career. She was his life's education.

He couldn't look at her now, this fading woman & think of her only as tissue & blood layered upon bones. 
She had taught him that nothing could alter the path of a soul & he could imagine the trail on which she would soon walk, away from him, away from the home that she loved so much. He imagined her, a little balloon, tied to him by a spider's silken thread, reaching towards the breeze, eager to float.

"My body lives without you," he whispered, "But the heart of me, all that I am, will go with you."

In that instant, he hated his mortal body, hated being chained to the ground, trapped & tied in that room. It seemed so unnatural that she should depart on her journey alone. As he rested his head over their joined hands, HE FELT THE LIGHT FADING, HE PRAYED, AT FIRST SILENTLY, BUT SOON THE WORDS FELL FROM HIS LIPS & WERE CAPTURED IN HIS TEARS.

He hadn't been in any temple, but his prayers were his own version of worship, her name, his love.... He prayed to find her again but it was her words, he consciously echoed as he braced himself, as he watched the spark fade, as he felt his own flame flicker,
"Walk back to me, someday."

He stood frozen in the most ancient & primal grief. The soft wind ruffled the curtains.
Gently, softly, the threads had been unravelled & she was spirited away from him, to float to the land where pain could not find her, where time could not limit her.
Back to the world with no walls...

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
Love leaves a memory no one can steal."

PERFECT   ( from a guy's perspective )

My perfect world is full of afternoon naps & country songs,
We drive in my car down a solitary lane.
You sit close by & I drape my arm over your shoulder.
You talk & I listen,
I kiss your cheek & you sigh.

I'm not too young,
You are not too old.
I don't have to be established,
You don't have to be so far away.

We make love under a tree,
Away from the scathing society.
I sing to you,
& you smile.
My perfect world is YOU !!

LOVE IS IN THE AIR ....                                   

The entire world is out to celebrate 14th Feb, i.e., The Valentine’s Day, a day to cherish love & affection towards their better halves. Gift shops are overflowing with love-y dove-y stuff. Guys & girls are throwing their money around to impress their partners. The whole globe is being painted red (pun intended). Oh yes, the season of love....

But as I sit in my room, I realise that love is eternal, it is everlasting, it knows no boundaries, & it is definitely not restricted to a single day or month in a year.

For me, true love is what my parents had, one soul shared by two bodies. Today, even after 4 years of her death, my father is still very much in love with his beloved wife. She is always in his mind, being sorely missed, with each tick of time.

"There flowed a love, that couldn't be seen, but only felt."

Ah..... My mother radiated love. She was the source of love in this family. The never-ending supply we could all draw from. She balanced us all out evenly. I usually wonder, how did she do it? Never complaining, doing all the household chores, paying enough attention to dad so he doesn't feel neglected, taking care of us & also doing her job. All of these things made her perfect in my book. She did all of it & yet lived her life to fullest. But when she went, that never ending supply depleted all of a sudden & I realised that it had a huge impact on my dad too. 

 “Leaving Earth. No Weight. Heavy Heart."

He became a walking dead, no, not in that zombie-like way, his body is present here, but his soul, the life in that body was lost at the very same moment, when she took her last breath. I see him today, his shoulders have sagged, the shine in his eyes is replaced by dark circles, I see the face of a man who has been robbed off everything by the cruel fate.

And at this moment, I actually understand the meaning of - Your life can be wonderful even in a trash can if you have the right person to share it with or you can live in a huge bungalow with every possible luxury at the tip of your fingers, but if you don't have your soul with you, you'll be in ruins.

That's how I see, that he has given up on life. He isn't living, he is just existing... counting his days.

"The woods are lovely, dark & deep,

But I've promises to keep,

& mile to go before I sleep,

& miles to go before I sleep... "

                              - Robert Frost

I think that's what he is doing, keeping his promises before he goes to the eternal sleep, his promises to his children. And the funny part is, no one is to blame except for the unexpected circumstances. But at-least, I know that true love exists in real life too, no matter how much it hurts him now, at-least it gave him fond memories to carry with himself, at-least he got to experience what actual love is, which many people get deprived of.

"I'm nothing special, of this I'm sure. I'm a common man with common thoughts & I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me & my name will be soon forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart & soul, To me, this has always been enough...."
                                                                             - Nicholas Sparks

Their love wasn't for a single day in a year, He never showered her with romantic gifts yet she was impressed by him because what they had is beyond the comprehension of our generation. Their love was reflected on how she doted on him when he came back from work, how they went for little strolls after dinner, how they quietly talked late at nights, how he always managed to bring a smile on her face by just doing a small gesture. 

They were normal. They were no Romeo-Juliet. But what they shared, an all en-compassing love.... was extraordinary, it was exceptional & I personally think that it can give competition to love stories like Romeo & Juliet.

P.S – A very happy Valentine’s Day & I hope you all find your soul mate & get your happily ever after.

FALL OF THE DEMIGODS – DEGRADATION OF SPIRITUALISM IN INDIA

“This is an ancient land where wisdom made its home before it went to any other country. Here is the same India whose soil has been trodden by the feet of the greatest sages that ever lived. Look back, therefore, as far as you can, drink deep of the eternal fountain that are behind & after that, look forward, march forward & make India brighter, greater & much higher than she ever was.”

-       Swami Vivekanada

India, the cradle of learning of human civilization, a land that has been home to the greatest sages that ever lived, has been a home for spiritual gurus & demi-gods for a very long time. We, Indians have always been spiritual in the outlook to the extent of even being a little superstitious. So, the rise of demi-gods in India was obvious and we saw many great demigods like Swami Vivekananda, Lord Buddha, Swami Dayanand & many others. Swami Vivekananda took his status of demi-god to a new height & played a major role in the spiritual enlightenment of Indian masses. Founder of the Arya Samaj, Swami Dayanand was one of the few great personalities who sacrificed everything for the emancipation of mankind. In greatness, like the highest peak of the Himalayas, Buddha is second to none. His life & work show to what sublime heights human compassion, thoughts & feelings can rise. What the “enlightened one” practiced & preached is a proud possession of our ancient heritage. These great and inspiring personalities really deserved the title of demi-gods.

" The price of greatness is responsibility."                                                         - Winston Churchill

All of us should remember the famous words of Winston Churchill which these demigods forgot in their lust for greed. Today, unlike the glorious past; the standards of demi-gods are degrading steadily. And the credit for this degradation is taken by these so called demi-gods who hide behind the mask of holiness, but in reality they are no better than those criminals who rot behind the bars. Spiritual charlatans like Asaram Bapu, Swami Agnivesh, Chandra swami, Sathya Sai Baba & many others like them are the primary reason that the spiritual face of India is being dirtied.

Asaram Bapu, one of the most popular leaders of our developing nation is said to be courting controversies – sexually abusing a 16year old girl, land grabbing cases, etc. An Arya Samaj scholar & social activist, Swami Agnivesh, came under attack over a controversial video posted on Youtube, not only this, he has hurt the Hindu sentiments time & time again by his offensive remarks. “The Controversial Tantrik”, Chandra swami, has been accused of several financial irregularities & he was also arrested on defrauding a London-based businessman. The list will remain incomplete without a mention of Sathya Sai Baba. There have been allegations that Sai Baba used to indulge in sexual abuses and pedophilia. The biggest ever controversy to have haunted Sathya Sai Baba’s ashram was when four persons were shot dead by the police after they had allegedly stabbed four devotees in Baba's bedroom. Moreover, even after the Baba’s demise, trustees found cash of Rs 11.5 crore, 98 kg of gold and silver articles weighing 307 kilograms from his private room, which again raised eyebrows.

The question that stares us in the face here is – why are these so called demi-gods successful? One reason will be that these demi-gods emerge because Hinduism is not a structured faith with a central authority or a chain of command. So there is always room for spiritual freelancers. Another main reason would be the superstitious uneducated population of our nation. But today even the educated are presenting them with a ready market for their business because the insecure stressful life we lead makes us want to listen to someone who will say what we desire to hear.

It’s high time that we be the modern & educated Indians that we claim ourselves to be, prove ourselves worthy successors to our glorious and wise heritage. The nation’s people should no longer allow anyone to treat them like dumb driven cattle that can be led by nose by any charlatan posing as demigod. If all of us come together & join our hands to stop this degradation of spiritualism, only then Indian spiritualism standards will rise. Also, one should always remember that everything that shines is not gold and be discerning enough to separate chaff from wheat to identify the fake and corrupt persons who tarnish the image of all real holy saints and demigods. I would like to conclude with the motivating lines by Swami Vivekananda, “All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark”.

DON'T ADD DAYS TO YOUR LIFE ;
ADD LIFE TO YOUR DAYS !!

Its often said that no matter what life goes on...
We come across a lot of difficult situations in life & we crib, we cry & when the right time comes we are relieved of our difficulties. At times, we aren't relieved but our attention is captivated by something more tough or amusing. We stop cribbing & go on with life.

Life at times can be quite complicated, we feel lost, sometimes we think, its the end of the world or at times we want the world to end at the very moment.

As they say, time is the best healer, we slowly try & reconcile with the situation. That's what life is all about. We won't get everything we wish for, a little adjustment, a little compromise, a little understanding are the ingredients of the delicious dish called life.
A person has 2 choices in front of him, whether he accepts the past & the present & move on or he can keep grumbling & cribbing about the past as well as the present & spoil the future. Whatever the situation is, good or bad, nothing lasts for long, so when its good, live it & well, when its bad, think ahead & move on. Enjoying & cherishing the little joys of life makes it worth living.

And if you are having a bad day, why don't we try to make it good ? Eat something you love, call a friend who'll cheer you up, listen to peppy & upbeat songs, ultimately, move ahead. 

Don't expect anything from others, if they meet your expectations then it'll be a pleasant surprise & if they don't, you won't be disappointed. Life is all about giving the best & expecting the unexpected - receiving a text from a long lost friend, finding the road without traffic, turning on the radio & finding your favourite song, having your choice of chocolate... such trivial things can add a new beauty to your life.  

LETTING YOU GO....

Your body is gone, it went away

So still & calm on that day

You looked so lovely with that warm smile

Too sad, you could'nt stay with me awhile

I remember the good, I remember the bad

But all the way through, its you I always had

Through thick & thin, wear & tear

But now you 'll be with me only in prayer

It came too soon, It came too fast

How much time is in the future, & gone is the past

It seems you are gone forever, gone for good

But you'll always love me, you promised you would

So even though I cry, even though I sob

I know in the bottom of my heart

You'll always continue your job

To take care of me, the way no one else can 

From the moment it perished, from the moment it began

" I'll be there ", you whispered

I was too young to understand

Only now do I realize, when I hold your cold hand

That you were going to a foreign land

To love, To hold me, keep me from danger

Your only fear was, I would be a loveless stranger

But it could'nt be farther from the truth right now

For that to happen to you, I could'nt allow

We'll be together again, that's for sure

For my heart, that's the only known cure

All I can do now is cherish the time

When you & I were the perfect rhyme

That's the only reason why I can get through it

Because even for death, we would never split

So even though I wish you were with me

Its time to let you go, mommy,

& set you free...

THE UGLY TRUTH.... 

( In The Memory Of The Delhi Gang Rape Victim )

Every girl has some dreams about how a prince charming will come into her life & whisk her away on a white horse ( in present times, maybe in a BMW ? ) to the beautiful sunset & the will have their happily ever-after. 

But not all girls can dream that because my friends, in India, a place known for its rich heritage & cultural beliefs, a girl only has worries & tensions about her well being, not the usual fantasies. Where some girls are dreaming about their future aspirations, there are also girls who are trying to stay safe for just another day. Because in India, where great personalities like M.K Gandhi, Dayanand Saraswati & Rajiv Gandhi took birth, there are also men who abuse & rape the so called "Lakshmi" just for the fun of it.

Today, these heinous men have tainted our culture, our society & our country, which was earlier known for its morals & social etiquettes. My friends, the time has come when the bud is afraid to bloom, the caterpillar is afraid to become a butterfly, just because of these monsters who reside in the body of men who have nothing better to do than to molest the defenceless.

Shame on those men, but what about those who let those intolerable crime happen & let it go for a few green notes? Yes, what about the Govt.  ? What about the police,  "the public servants" ?  Moreover, what about our "moral society" where every person is only worried about the marriage of the girl rather than the physical & mental well being of the victim. No, the 1st question that pops in our mind is - who will marry this defiled girl?

This is the ugly truth of our very own "modern" India. On one hand, we try to act cool & follow the western countries but in the heart of our heart, we are the orthodox Indians who will always consider it taboo if a girl wears a mini skirt or shorts. Our mind is only restricted to this. 

We'll always blame the victim, we'll say - she was asking for it { why, because she wore a mini skirt ? } & at the end, when all is said & done, we'll also say- we are the modern & educated people of India. But are we really ?

A LIFE CHANGING INCIDENT...

15th June, 2010

Dinner time

I was playing with my dinner on the plate, listening to the ominous whispers of my relatives. I was sitting on her cherished dining table which she fondly bought from New Delhi, watching my aunt (punam masi) struggling to tell me truth & let me face the harsh reality or to not tell me, & protect me from the impending doom.  Finally after a long internal debate she blurted out “you should start shouldering responsibilities before it’s too late”, startling me, as I was again lost in my fantasy world trying to run away from the truth. I irately asked what she meant by that statement. She replied, letting the emotions win over her calm façade, her eyes glassy with unshed tears and her voice cracking slightly “it’s only a matter of time before she leaves…”

Today, I see what she was trying to tell me, she was trying to tell me to let her go, say my goodbyes to her & talk to her one last time before she goes to some unknown land.

 But I was fed up with the gloomy atmosphere in the house & I wanted my old normal life back, so I sneered at her “its people like you who have a pessimistic approach & that’s why she is lying there, barely alive.” And then after thinking something she let her mask up again and quieted down.

We were in the car, me, my aunt (anju masi) and my fufaji, on our way to chemist’s shop to buy drugs for her. Suddenly, my subconscious overwhelmed me and I asked the dreaded question “She’s at what stage?” My aunt replied quietly “Last”, so quietly that I barely heard her, but that realization hit me like a truck. All my thoughts centered to only 1 question “what will my life look like without her?” Several scenes played in my mind, all my life of 15 years with her flashed in my eyes, all the happy, cherished, sad, angry, loving memories I had with her. & then my instinct to protect myself fought back and I tried to squish the thoughts of her death, but this time it wasn't so strong, my irrational side wanted to shut this drama out again and distance myself from it, from her; but my rational side wanted to face it, wanted to talk to her, wanted to see her, to feel her, to treasure the pleasure of having a loving mother. The rest of the ride was so thick with the air of stress that I could have cut it through with a knife. When we reached home, I wanted to rush into her room but somehow I couldn't bring my legs to move fast, the urge to see her was battling with my fears, the fears of what I was about to face.

Gathering my courage, I went into her room & as soon as I stepped in there, I was enveloped with her natural motherly fragrance. When I was 4, I used to hug her while I slept, nuzzling my face in the crook of her neck and I always commented how wonderful she smelled, how she only had that peculiar yet familiar aroma on her & that day, the very same aroma hit me but it was tainted with the smell of medicines. The room of my parents was filled with a different smell which was usually found in hospitals & then suddenly I realized with a shock, that it had been a long time since I went to her room because I was scared that I’ll see her, see her losing the light in her eyes. I saw my parent’s bed, & above that I saw a beautiful photograph of a couple I was no longer familiar with, my dad looking young in his late thirties and my mum looking stunning as usual in her red saree in her mid thirties, but most importantly, both of them were smiling with joy, cherishing their love that had only grown with each passing day; unaware of the impending doom.

Then, I saw her. Her haggard yet beautiful face, black bags under her eyes, cheek bones so prominent, her thin pale skin stretching over her face covering the delicate bone structure, her lips chapped and lastly her eyes that used to be so full of life, were then, dead, lifeless with no light. I slowly pushed myself towards her and sat beside her taking her in through my eyes. She looked so weak, so thin, so not looking like the beautiful women who always ran this house; the women who made this house a home. & yet she looked so beautiful, the same loving, caring, kind hearted women who daily picked me up from my school, no matter what condition she was in.

Snapping back to present, I saw that she had closed her eyes, & I couldn’t hold myself any longer, seeing her so helpless, so not like her old energetic self. My eyes started welling up with long held tears & soon the dam burst & my waterworks started. Unexpectedly, she opened her eyes & looked at me with such piercing gaze that I was sure she saw through my soul. Then she started to say something but I couldn't make out because she was slurring due to the medicines she had taken. But I got afraid that she saw me crying, crying for her, crying for her death, crying for a life without her, I got afraid because she saw me at my weakest point. I have cried in front of her many times but It was mostly out selfish motives but that day I cried for my family, for her unfinished dreams and lastly, for a loving mother daughter relationship that I was about to lose.

Then I ran, ran away from her, not wanting her to see me losing hope, not wanting her to feel bad because she knew that I know now. I cried and cried & kept looking at the dark sky illuminated with only a few stars, hoping that heavens will open and I will find my answers. But nothing happened. Like always.

I slept barely that night, all rational & irrational thoughts running through my mind, mile a minute.

But only one prominent thought kept evading my mind – What now?

Only after what felt like a minute, I saw the dawn breaking.

I hurriedly took a bath, all the while thinking “Is this actually happening to me?”

Sometimes, it’s surprising actually what trivial thoughts come to your mind at such crucial stages & with how much precise clarity you remember those insignificant thoughts. I remember having one too; I wondered if she’ll be able to complete her page in my slam book. It was one of those moments when you even remember each minute sensory detail of the time.

I had my coaching classes so before leaving for that, I came into her room and saw her trying to sit up with the help of her sisters and my bua, after coming closer I saw that she was trying to have a sip of water, I waited aside, trying to keep myself together for a few more minutes in front of her. When she was finished, I stepped forward, she saw me with hooded eyes, half unconscious but trying to fight the drowsiness, & then I did the most stupidest thing, I said “get well soon, because when I come from the tuition, I will need your help to solve my maths problems” & her eyes welled up with tears upon hearing this. But by seeing this strong woman like this, I knew I was about to lose myself, so I quickly said goodbye to her and let my mask slip up for a few minutes. I soon found myself in the class, I barely remember my teacher asking me how I was or do I need to go but time apart from her now, was passing at an excruciating slow pace, each second bringing me the foreboding thoughts of “what ifs”.

 I don’t remember when the class got over or how I reached to the car, but I remember sitting on the back-seat of the car & crying hysterically. Then a song came up and I realized somewhere in the back of my mind that it suits our situation perfectly and I smiled wryly and started mouthing the lyrics all the while tears streamed down my face -

“Give me some sunshine,

Give me some rain,

Give me another chance,

I wanna grow up once again…”

I found myself standing on her room’s threshold debating whether to go in or not, finally gathering up myself, I entered her room & then realized all my relatives from my father’s as well as from my mother’s side were there in that room and had already said their goodbyes. I was consumed by an irrational jealousy that everyone got their closure but I, a fool, hadn't and probably won’t because she was halfway there already.

I was just sitting there, counting her each laboured breath, memorizing her face, going over her body again and again thinking it will help me remember her longer. I then looked at her legs and there was a scaring bluish colour on her feet, & as I touched them, I realized with horror that they had gotten cold & lifeless. I started rubbing her feet furiously, but then my aunt ( punam masi ) said something which still haunts me like a nightmare “it’s time, I doubt she will make it till tomorrow, no, not even tonight” and with that my world collapsed in front of my very own eyes, every little thought I had , every little hope of a future together was mercilessly squished. My father tried to push me to get out of the room but I couldn't. I didn't understand his logic behind that then, but today, I see that he was just trying to protect his daughter from the anguish of heartbreak. I know now, that he was scared as it was the first death that had ever taken place in front of my eyes, that too, my mother’s. In another blink of my eye, I saw everything shift dramatically, I saw my aunt reading some book that was supposed to be sacred, someone shouting for “gangajal”, some wailing & sobbing. And lastly her, taking each breath at an achingly slow pace, & with each breath she took, I thanked whomever was giving her the strength and prayed that she will take JUST ONE MORE BREATH. But within a few minutes she was silent. Still. Lifeless. Dead.

On 16^th June 2010, precisely a week after my birthday, precisely six months before her birthday, at 4.45pm she left us. She left us to fight our own battles, to live a life without Arun Nehra. Today after almost 2 years, I look upon that day, but today I see it in a different light. Today I have let her go, set her free. Today I want to move forward, look at my past with her and see that human life is transient. Yes, I do, I do cry, I miss her but I want to live, I don’t want to mourn her loss any-more.

P.S _ then again, easier said than done.